She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
