theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
