Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
