it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
