this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
