Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
