I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
