you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
