my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
