I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
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We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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