Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Bring me that man meat
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
