i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
