Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
