I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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