I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Boobs speak an international language.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
