goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
