and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
