apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
