If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
