People with herpes should wear stickers.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
