you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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