so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
