Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
