In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
