I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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