Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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