You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize