Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
