and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
