its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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