oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
