i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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