so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
