Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
