I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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