if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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