I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
