i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
