i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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