I wanna passion pit in your ass
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
