I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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