What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
