man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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