i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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