Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
