Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
