I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
