just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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