Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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