hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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