Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
