he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.