I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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