I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday