I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
