If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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