my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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