you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
