Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
