I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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