LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
