i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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