I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize