if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
