He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
