i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
