my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
